It has been three years almost to the day since we have been back to Bremerton.
I have honestly been afraid to go back. I have pretty much had such a longing for my life there that I was afraid I would truly not want to come back here.
I can pretty much tell you that not a single Sunday has gone by that I have not sat in church and wished I was still in Silverdale First ward where everyone knows me and I know them and when I open my mouth I felt safe to speak and that people appreciated my input.
Every Sunday is a reminder of what I had and what I was and what I am no longer.
I'm not completely ashamed to admit that I realize I got my self worth and value from the callings that I served in and that I felt needed.
So that pretty much sums up my emotional dependence on Bremerton.
I definitely miss my church life.
Now back to the visit.
I expected to feel an overwhelming feeling of coming home the minute we arrived at the airport.
I have felt that way before.
Not an iota.
This is what welcomed us.
Between the clouds and rain and trees, everything felt small and enclosing.
Not that that's is bad, but it is the COMPLETE opposite of what we have been living in.
Everything was familiar, but it felt like an out of body experience.
I have never felt so strange. Still can't identify the feeling.
I didn't take many pictures. It was like I was ready to close that book.
We did drive by the kid's elementary school. It was closed before we moved, but they actually demolished the main building. That was strange.
Definitely an improvement rather than looking at a deserted boarded up building.
We really only had one particular place we wanted to go eat at and that was Noah's Ark.
Fred thinks their hamburgers are pretty special. The other place we ate at was Taco Time.
I know lame, but Taco Time in Utah is disgusting. It's not the same product. The food is awful and the restaurants are kind of grimy. So I so enjoyed my chicken taco salad.
I really wanted to go to the Mall and see the changes, but time really did go by quickly. Shopping in St. George is pretty awful. We did, however, drive around this new mall out in Silverdale. It looks promising.
What happened for me with this visit was liberating. All my fears have been put to rest. It is all good.
I don't mean anything negative by what I am saying. I so needed to be let free of my longing to go back and feeling like moving to St. George was a mistake. I have honestly felt that way.
Coming back for this visit was just what I needed. I don't exactly know what happened, but I really didn't feel anything. Of course, seeing everyone was so wonderful. Felt like I haven't skipped a beat with anyone. But I was so ready to come home. Yes I could actually say come home.
I think the timing of everything was just right. Now that my Dad is here living with us, it feels right to close that chapter in my life.
When I was sitting in church this Sunday, it was the first time I didn't go to that place in my head where I was wishing I was in my ward "back home". My other hang up is in Relief Society. Always feeling like I need to make an earth shattering comment to change someone's life. Like I used to have that kind of influence (I know, me and my big girl pants) anyway, Sunday as I sat there I didn't have that urgent feeling anymore. I thought to myself it's okay to just be here. I don't have to call attention to myself. To be someone, to prove myself. Just be.
It's hard to explain. But it's different. It's good.
