Silver City Porter Lake Brownie

Here you see yet another item of food that I ate while out recently with friends. Those of you who know me well enough to even be reading my blog, my love of food comes as no surprise. Especially chocolate. When I analyze and ponder on my relationship with food, I can pinpoint a few experiences that have led me to my addiction with eating. The first came to be when we lived in Japan back in 1986 for six months. It was a very stressful time for me. Fred was at work all the time and I had the girls ages 5 and 3. Stopping at the cute markets and buying the Japanese candy, cookies etc...was so fun because the packaging was so cute. I regularly left the girls at a babysitter and went on base to eat out and watch episodes of General Hospital on the big screen tv in the restaurant. We didn't have a tv in our apartment in town. As I look back, I recognize that this was the time I started using food as an adult for comfort.

Then as the kids grew up, eating out was how I spent my time with them. It was like a secret indulgence that I had the power and freedom to do without Fred's approval. I did, however, try to hide containers regularly which I don't think worked because he always knew. But I found as I would sit with the kids whether all of us or one on one.....we talked. I would take the girls out of school all their way through high school at times to take them out to eat.

Now as I examine my eating habits......and addiction (truthfully it is).... I think I try to recreate that emotion of joy and fulfillment that I experienced while my children were at home. Whether you would ever say it to my face.....I have gotten really fat since my girls left home. Scott was still home, but I already felt the emptiness without my daughters. I have girlfriends, but they aren't here in the house when I come home from work. Fred is always busy with projects or church stuff or whatever else....and I realize he can't fill that void of mine.

I am working really hard to figure out how to start over and change, but it is very hard. Every time I bring food to my mouth I ask myself "why" then pop it in. Why you say - because it is cocaine to my needs.

So ladies - get a life - be a whole person without relying on your children for your value. Be honest with yourself and figure out what makes you feel of worth and then do it.

BBQ Ribs

So here is Scott's dinner plate tonight. It amazes me that he eats this much. Even when Fred was this age he didn't pack it down like this.

There are really no words

He's mine. No matter what happens. I think I will keep him.

Cousin It

This is our infamous Lace Leaf Maple tree more lovingly referred to as Cousin It or Thing.

Blossoms of Spring

These are the little Azalea bushes that Fred planted for me last year. Aren't they pretty?

Progress

I did fix the hem on my dress and ironed my clothes yesterday. I got out of bed, went into my new room, closed the door, turned on some music and sprayed my room with some citrus room spray. Next is hemming two pairs of pants. One pair was too short so I ripped the hem out and the other is a new pair that I haven't worn yet that are too long.

Mother's Day 2011

I went to church alone today. Fred was home sick and Scott went to the Young Single Adult Ward. I was sitting alone on the front bench on the side by the piano because I was playing the piano for the Primary to sing today. As we were singing the opening hymn, I sensed someone pass by me and sit down......it was Scott. He came to sit with me for Mother's Day. It was a wonderful moment that increased in joy when I looked down and saw that he was wearing his fancy Kenyan missionary shoes.