Silver City Porter Lake Brownie

Here you see yet another item of food that I ate while out recently with friends. Those of you who know me well enough to even be reading my blog, my love of food comes as no surprise. Especially chocolate. When I analyze and ponder on my relationship with food, I can pinpoint a few experiences that have led me to my addiction with eating. The first came to be when we lived in Japan back in 1986 for six months. It was a very stressful time for me. Fred was at work all the time and I had the girls ages 5 and 3. Stopping at the cute markets and buying the Japanese candy, cookies etc...was so fun because the packaging was so cute. I regularly left the girls at a babysitter and went on base to eat out and watch episodes of General Hospital on the big screen tv in the restaurant. We didn't have a tv in our apartment in town. As I look back, I recognize that this was the time I started using food as an adult for comfort.

Then as the kids grew up, eating out was how I spent my time with them. It was like a secret indulgence that I had the power and freedom to do without Fred's approval. I did, however, try to hide containers regularly which I don't think worked because he always knew. But I found as I would sit with the kids whether all of us or one on one.....we talked. I would take the girls out of school all their way through high school at times to take them out to eat.

Now as I examine my eating habits......and addiction (truthfully it is).... I think I try to recreate that emotion of joy and fulfillment that I experienced while my children were at home. Whether you would ever say it to my face.....I have gotten really fat since my girls left home. Scott was still home, but I already felt the emptiness without my daughters. I have girlfriends, but they aren't here in the house when I come home from work. Fred is always busy with projects or church stuff or whatever else....and I realize he can't fill that void of mine.

I am working really hard to figure out how to start over and change, but it is very hard. Every time I bring food to my mouth I ask myself "why" then pop it in. Why you say - because it is cocaine to my needs.

So ladies - get a life - be a whole person without relying on your children for your value. Be honest with yourself and figure out what makes you feel of worth and then do it.